The willful and deliberate forgetting of you is now a daily routine of mine.
Coping how best I can, I work to direct the sadness and your loss to the deep recesses of my mind.

Not allowing myself to selfishly revisit the pain,  I instead choose to remain flatly engaged in the safety of life’s daily grind. Let’s all just plainly admit it: in this world with its pace and distractions, Reflecting and Remembering… well, it’s never a good time.

But I have to remember, don’t you see? Let me cry.  Just for a bit, please, let me be.

This morning, I’ve put on fresh makeup, for my job requires me to be in a good place. The patients that I’ll care for today, they deserve and need to see a cheerful and smiling face.

But the sunbeams this morning, peeking through the gray clouds on my familiar work drive, their sight without warning awakens my emotions, sleeping quietly inside.

On this same stretch of road just a few short years ago, the contrast of gray skies to fingers of light produced a realization in my heart. And in that place, indescribable joy overflowed.

I began to soberly accept that the pieces of your life were now rapidly falling into place. I couldn’t deny that you – likely so very soon – would actually be looking directly into Christ’s face.

The brilliant radiance of Him, mirroring those majestic sunrays, would instantly heal this earthly pain that you daily bore. This was a privately intense yearning… the realization of my prayers for years… that my heart had deeply longed and ached for.

I have to remember, don’t you see? Let me cry. Just for a while, let me be.

Life, obligations, responsibilities, demands… I’m pleading to occasionally just stop. Allow me the regular moments to check out, breathe, slow down, and take some time off.

For inside, I’m keenly aware of the attention desperately needed by my emotions and thoughts. They’re always asking for my permission to release the tears that your passing has brought.

I somehow manage to become numb to this Sam-less life, Operating and living until I can’t ignore it not a minute more. I have a deep, regular need to experience and recall you, for this is what the very fibers in my soul often ache for.

I must take time to remember, don’t you see? Let me cry. Just for a quick minute, let me be.

You live in my phone’s photos, the stored memories, the video archives.  I oft feel guilt and anger to have to visit you there,  allowing your memory to painfully come back alive. But the photos, the quilt, the jewelry, and your clothes… They’re just mere reminders and not what I honestly want. The silent, motionless visuals of you… Right or wrong – I regularly avoid them, For my heart they can mercilessly hurt and haunt.

But I really am ok.

I MUST remember, don’t you see? Let me cry. Let me feel. Just for a little bit, let me be.