Early 2009 – 8pm; my dining room.  The dam of my heart has been springing silent leaks lately. It’s oozing streams of unspoken and hidden fears; fears for my daughters and their abilites to cope with what’s happening in our home; fears for my marriage’s future; fears of my little faith and the potential consequences of such weakness(?); anticipating grief for what’s looming on the horizon for Sam………  The dam is just barely intact tonight.  I make a phone call out of an unfamiliar urging, to a very dear friend and it turns out to be one call I’ll never forget.

Through hushed tears so my family in the next room won’t hear me, I pour out my heart and hope I’m not sounding like a mental case: “Kathy, I am having such a hard time praying for Sam’s healing.  My biggest fear is that it’s my lack of faith that would be possibly preventing God from healing him! Every time I try to pray, I just a feel a block – I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to pray for; all I can do is cry.  Kathy, I can’t hardly live with myself if it’s me standing in the way of him possibly receiving a miracle!”

Ever been caught in an irrational, emotional whirlwind?  It was happening to me…….

Through a calm and kind voice I hear, “Lee Anna – think of this – if God were to heal your son, oh my.  What a beautiful miracle  beyond description that would be!! You’d instantly become known, word would spread, you could possibly find yourself and your little boy on a morning talk show, or in a newspaper…..  What a strong testimony to God’s power and might!  This would cause so much rejoicing and happiness for a season…….but you know what? It’d be kind of forgotten about by everyone in a few months.  Life would move on.  People would move on.  You would move on. Can you stop and consider how much more of a powerful testimony it would be to live a lifetime of experiencing and displaying God’s power and love in and through your family? With Him providing for you and Sam, carrying you, living through you?  A lifetime of relying on Him?”

8 years later, those words still hang in my mind, treasured, and yet sobering when I consider how much they’ve rang true. We’ve (I’ve) prayed and sought for Sam’s body to be healed over and over – and while that particular miracle has not happened, God has by no means been silent or hidden since then.

A background on my friend Kathy – Kathy is old enough to be my mother. I’ve known of her and her husband Rob since I was a mere college freshman.  They ran the BSU at our local college, and had a reputation for being “really nice folks.” I didn’t ever hang out at the BSU in college, for I was terribly shy……… and honestly didn’t think I’d really fit in with the religious folks, anyways.  (A kind of cop out for not having to engage in conversation with strangers.)  However, Rob and Kathy would kind of pop up here and there in my life through the coming years, and I began to find out that in addition to their own 2 grown kids, they also had adopted 3 additional children years and years ago – all whom had special needs.  Who would choose that??! On purpose?  When you could adopt a ‘well’ baby or child??  3 with special needs?? Are you kidding me?

Though I never personally knew him, Rusty was the youngest, and he was in a wheelchair. I’d later learn that Rusty had spina bifida, and Rob and Kathy had adopted him as a tiny baby. When I observed him one day at a church service, I was struck at how sick he appeared, how imposing that big power chair wrapped around him was, but marveled at the smile and exuberance for life that you couldn’t deny when you looked at Rusty.  And I also made a silent note of what I saw on Rob and Kathy’s face – a warm smile in the midst of heartache and stress.  I also later learned that Rusty had to be on dialysis – a 3x/week trip to Children’s Kathy made……….

Years down the road, Rusty would eventually lose his life.

Many years later, while working in the cancer clinic, I became closely acquainted with the Gandy’s second adopted son, Ron.  Ron was battling lymphoma as a young adult, and came to our clinic frequently for blood draws and chemo.  What a jokester! He forever left me scarred with a memory of Mountain Dew – while I was out of the room, he secretly poured some into a clean urine specimen cup that I had set before him, and then proceeded to take a long drink of it right in front of me when I returned.  He howled with laughter when I couldn’t contain the horror on my face and sharply scolded him for traumatizing his poor chemo nurse like that!

A few short months later, Ron would succumb to lymphoma and lose his life.

So, it should only make make sense that Kathy would be someone I could turn to in this hour of my own confusion and heartache.  Someone who understood the burden of caring for children in impossible and ‘unfair’ circumstances.  Someone who understood about medical bills, handicapped vans, the delicate dance of raising well children with sick children, doctors appointments, stress, faith……… Advice from someone who CHOSE to do the hard things – and in my eyes, was a true living testimony of God’s love, faithfulness, and power.

Her words to me that night were like oil in a festering wound, and I know that I know – that God directed me to make that phone call.

I now rarely see Kathy, but I know she is there on the other side of my keyboard should I need some encouragement and pep for this journey – and her eldest son Ken, occasionally counsels Sam now at his office.  Sam adores him and I am so glad. Ken is a rare jewel, just like his momma.

Why the blog title of “Ravens” then? Think on these verses and how they apply to our lives:

1 Kings 17:2 – “The word of the Lord came to Elijah. ‘ Leave here, turn eastward and hide in the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan.  You will drink from the brook, and I have ordered the ravens to feed you there.’  So he did what the Lord had told him.  He went to the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan, and stayed there.  The ravens brought him bread and meat in the morning and bread and meat in the evening, and he drank from the brook.”

Did you see the miracle in the midst of heartbreaking circumstances? What’s even more significant to me is what ravens signify in the air: death.  They are like vultures, which would give the causal observer the impression that death and decay actually loomed under their circling in the air.  But underneath those birds, LIFE was actually happening! Daily miracles were taking place, and no one knew what power and provisions were being carried out in that bleak and barren landscape – no one but Elijah and the Lord .

We’ve been called to live in a foreign place, one I never wanted to experience (are you there also?)  A place dominated by threat of ‘what if’s’, and constant dilemmas of ‘how’?

For us: How will we afford a remodel? How will we keep Sam well and out of the hospital? How can we raise our daughters in the shadow of such a big illness? How can Wade be the sole provider? How can I stay home? How can I reconnect with and meet Kathryn’s needs? How can Sam live life to the fullest in a body that’s continually failing? How? How? How?

Ravens.  That’s how.  So many have come into our lives, straight from above, and brought meat. Life giving meat.

Kathy Gandy, Ken Gandy – meat of encouragment.

Oklahoma Outdoor Outreach.  (they’ve provided real deer and turkey meat!!) – meat of relationships and adventure.

Gary Robinson, Sam’s PT – a beautiful soul who is so tender and compassionate with his ped patients that he does therapy with.

Pastors. Friends. Communities. Countless therapists and doctors.

Wade’s consistent shop workers. My clinic family.

Our own family – oh, where would we be without them??? I dare not let my mind wander to the what-ifs, because that’s not where we live.  That’s not the ravine God has tucked us into for this season of life.

And God provides the meat – every time, through His ravens.

In the quietness of the living room, my heart was so overwhelmed with thankfulness this morning, that it just brought me to tears when I pondered it all. Right now, I can look over the computer screen into the room where my kid rests comfortably in a beautiful bed that’s 10 times better than mine! Such a poignant representation of how faithful and powerfully God takes care of us and gives my son exactly what he needs.

There’s peace in my home and my heart. What more could one truly ask for and be rewarded with?

I am humbled.

In what looks like drought, and barrenness, and death – there’s miracles happening in the hidden places.

Look for them.  They’re there……….

Thanks for reading – Annie